I made a little choice a while ago and it sort of opened the door to all this good stuff in a difficult time. I can't even say I'm proud of it because it was just one of those things where everything in me wanted to do one thing and I managed to do the opposite... and I don't even really know what I was thinking except I'm glad for it and maybe it was wisdom working...
It was when we came home from our nasty ultrasound... the one where we found out our baby had stopped developing... that the baby had died. In that car ride I was thinking a lot of stuff in a calm on the outside, crazy on the inside sort of way. I told Ben I didn't want to get depressed and that I didn't want to feel my faith shaken through this. Those were my first two fears but I guess also my first two hopes: I wanted to stay peaceful and I wanted to stay full of faith.
I also thought about choices... not very clearly. It was probably something along the lines of ... hmmm... I wonder if choices play into this somehow or if grieving means just resting... and so on.
Ben's ma was watching Isaac so we had to pick him up. When we pulled up to Ben's parents' place, he asked if he should just run in to get Isaac or if I wanted to go in too. Most of me wanted to go home and curl up in a ball and not see or speak to anyone.
But I guess this was my first choice following our loss and I said I would go on in and stay there for a bit.
And in we went... into Jenny's hug and shoulder to cry on... into her praying and encouragement... into her cozy, Christmasy home.
It was just what we needed.
And that wee choice helped me to then decide to call a few people that evening and then to email a few others. Then to call my parents the next morning. And every chat and email and visit helped so much and we felt this wall of protecting love build up around us and into our hearts. And how could my faith be shaken when so many God truths were whispered into my ears? And how could I despair down deep when others held me up?
I'm so thankful for that support and grateful for everyone taking that time.
And I'm thankful for that choice... to step out and in.